Having procrastinated for several weeks on writing my first blog post (technically I’ve have been working on other things one being my masters dissertation – or am I making excuses?), I decided to write about self-confidence, and hope this can help you in some way.
I have often wondered whether we are born confident or whether this trait is something we develop overtime.
Some scientists have attributed self-confidence as being down to genetics, whilst others, although not disputing that there are certain characteristics inherited through genetics, have positioned self-confidence as a skill to be mastered.
Confidence can easily be lost but equally gained
Whilst in secondary school I remember playing a football tournament against another school, which up until then, I was confident in my football playing abilities. During that football match I missed an open goal and my team lost the match.
I relived that moment for several years to follow questioning why I couldn’t just shoot the ball straight (I know – sounds very subtle but believe me when you’re young, what seems to be a minor setback from an adult lens, can carry a lot of weight as a child or adolescent). I will admit this dampened my confidence in playing football for years to follow and as a result I never really played football thereafter.
Upon reflection I also found that whenever I had other unpleasant experiences, I would often give up and not bother trying again or it would take me a very long time to try again.
As I grew older, I began to self-reflect on why I operated in the way I did.
I remember being at university during my undergraduate years on a first aid training course at a time where I was actively seeking to develop as many skills as possible before the milkround at the beginning stages of applying for grad jobs. I had sparked a conversation with a girl who was on the first aid course who shared her fears and anxieties of interviewing which to some degree I too had, although not so much for job interviews but for general public speaking in large groups.
She mentioned that she had read a book called Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and recommended that I read it.
Being curious, I bought the book which to date is my favourite non-fiction self-help book that I would recommend for anyone to read. Essentially this book is designed to help you discover how to “turn your fear and indecision into confidence and action”. It’s a short read, only about 220 pages so can easily be crammed through a flight or on a lazy Sunday.
“If you don’t fail, you’re not even trying.”
Denzel Washington
Fast forward into my mid-twenties my former business partner who is also a good friend convinced me to join him and his mates to play five a side football.
The memories from my school football match rushed through my mind but this time I decided to tackle my worries head on.
I began to play football again briefly taking some of the lessons I had learned from the book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, as I realised I needed to overcome my previous experience of missing that open goal which I had held onto for years.
Having started playing football again, I realised that I was not that bad at all and essentially, that one missed open goal should not have led me to give up the sport entirely and who knows, I may have been the next Raheem Sterling (LOL – a reach even by my own admission).
Now in my late-twenties, I have learned that one bad experience should not change your entire perspective on something that is meant for good and that trying again and facing your fears or anxieties is important to overcome setbacks. Now let us be clear, I’m not saying all bad experiences require you doing that thing again, however a famous quote reads:
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
George Addair
I also believe self-confidence does improve through age and life experience, which comes naturally for some but for many others it is something to constantly work on.
One thing I know for sure, in order to spark the courage to continue after a setback and in turn to succeed, one must possess an adequate certain level of confidence.
Top 10 tips for building self-confidence
1. Admit to yourself you are not naturally confident
2. Find out why you are not confident
3. Identify situations where you are more confident than others and build on these
4. Reflect on what makes you more confident in certain situations and less in others
5. Read books that can help you build confidence
6. Offer to chair a meeting at work, give a presentation at university, read in church etc.
7. Take part in a public speaking course
8. Surround yourself with people who will help build your confidence and not take away from it
9. Do not compare yourself to others who you perceive are more confident, chances are they too struggle in some other areas of life which you may not be struggling in – remember comparison is the killer of joy
10. If you fail don’t give up! If its something you really want, pick yourself up and try again until you feel you have succeeded by your own measures.
Once you master The Will To Continue, you will succeed!
I’d like to hear from you in the comments below on what helped you gain self-confidence. Please leave a comment below and don’t forget to share with your family and friends.
Very good article on a very challenging topic, a lot of people’s dreams and hopes are killed on this rock alone, confidence!
I received comments such as you’re not good enough and this literally damaged my confidence, it took my up until I was in my last year of high school to really face my fears and by Gods grace I proved all my doubters wrong.
Thank you Takudzwa and thanks for sharing your story.
It is very important we are aware of the words we use towards others especially young people. It is even more important that we do not let words destroy our confidence by consistently working and building our own resilience.
Glad you enjoyed reading.
Brilliant take on confidence. Failure is part of learning, growing, resilience and winning. Thanks Michael. Godman
You’re absolutely right! And as long as we can learn from our failures/losses and look at them as lessons, this too is part of the winning mindset.
Excellent piece on confidence Michael. “With confidence, you have won before you have started.” I will definitely be reading Feel the fear and do it anyway. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Milika. Definitely check out the book. Look forward to sharing more content with you.
Good article. Everyone has highs and lows in confidence. It’s very common in sport, you see it with strikers in football all the time. I think it’s important to not let your confidence get too high or too low. Both extremes cause problems!
A very important point you raised there Fred “to not let your confidence get too high or too low” which I agree. Thanks for sharing.
Very well written Michael! I think it’s amazing that you’re able to use your own experiences to help others deal with self confidence issues. More often than not, we do let bad memories and negative experiences shape our present. I LOVE point number 8. Surrounding yourself with people who build you up is vital, especially on the days where you fears begin to take a hold of you and stunt your growth.
Thank you very much Henriette for your comments. Indeed we must surround ourselves with people that help build us up and not bring us down and equally we must also build others up around us. This will help us all Continue Then Succeed in our various areas of life whether relationships, faith, careers etc.
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